WHY FERGIE, WHY?

During the 2004 Presidential campaign I was lucky enough to attend a Democratic fundraiser in Los Angeles. The entertainment was the Black Eyed Peas. I was a fan going in. (And not just of Fergie's midriff) "Elephunk" was a great, infectious album with several cuts that were instant classics.

Live, they did not disappoint. Fergie looked seriously hot, sounded even better and the group as a whole not only put on a terrific show, but their rendition of "Where Is The Love" turned the entire theater into a church. Sensational.

I walked out of there thinking that they had me in their pocket for years to come. So, how did such a great group burn away all of the goodwill they built up with me almost instantly?

Well, a steaming piece of crap called "Monkey Business" was all they needed, as it turned out. The first single, "Don't Phunk With My Heart" was unmemorable except for a video that was more stupid than funny. "Don't Lie" a pretty good single and the video wasn't bad, so there was really no reason to expect the Peas to follow that with a single that combined the two essentials of being excruiciatingly awful and inescapable.

I saw the video - highlighting Fergie with a midriff enitrely covered - should have been a sign, in retrospect - and I watched nearly half of it before I realized that I was watching the Peas. And once I did, it was with the frozen horror of the little kid that approached Shoeless Joe Jackson at the height of the 1919 Black Sox Scandal and pleaded "Say it isn't so, Joe."

I pulled into my garage this afternoon and unloaded my two daughters 8 and 3. The eight year old was singing the newest song that was going through her little head.

"My humps.
My humps.
My lovely lady lumps..."

I closed my eyes and willed the noise to stop, but it was joined by her worshipful three year old sister.

And as they danced arounfd the garage their voices echoed...

"My humps, My humps My humps. MY HUMPS!!!!'

Jesus Christ. Say it isn't so, Fergie.